Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Dealing With a Death of a Parent

I had minimal feelings of regrets. Of course I wish I had another chance to tell my mom I loved her, but her death affected me in different ways. I was young when she died and her death was sudden. She was only 33 and healthy. When she died I lost my sense of self-worth, self pride and self respect. I became afraid of losing people, instead of pulling them closer like Julie discussed, I would push everyone away. I did not want to be loved or love anyone for fear of losing them. I did this for years and now I am starting to realize behaving in this way will not soften the blow when death does come. This is not living. I am slowly rebuilding some important relationships. I still struggle with saying I love you. However actions speak louder than words and I show my love more than I ever did.

24 comments:

  1. As im reading your comment Im thinking to myself"this sounds just like me" except i was a junior in high school when i lost my mother and she was 38. Talk about tough...and the feelings you have about pushing people away for fear of losing them i can comprehend that so much. I thought I was the only one that did that..im glad to see im not the only one. If you would like to chat back please do.

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  2. Lily,
    I thought I was the only one too. My brother is the complete opposite of me, he married his high school sweetheart and has 3 great kids. He is very family oriented. I am not. I actually barely even have friends.Again I am working on this.

    I am sorry to hear about your mom. Dealing with this has been the hardest thing in my life. As I am sure it is for you. I am glad to hear that this behavior is normal.

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  3. AnonymousJune 10, 2008

    Having just read the comments posted by Lily and Holly, I realise i am not alone. I lost my mum in January '08 and have found the sudden loss of my mum very difficult to cope with. She was only 47 and I dread the future. She won't be at my wedding and she will never meet my future kids. I can't imagine these huge events of my life being happy without my mum being there with me. Hopefully i can work through this but i often feel very alone despite being surrounded by great family and friends. Can anyone offer any advice please.

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  4. Your feelings are not unlike the feelings the rest of us have had or are having.
    There is no easy fix for this except to take things a day at a time. It takes time for the pain to subside...but please be assured that it will.
    You never get over this...you just learn to live with it. It does get better...and each day you will be a little less sad when you think of the things your mother will not be around for...and instead your sadness will be replaced with fond memories of her and what she has left you in her legacy.
    I just got married a little over a year ago. My mother died 10 years ago. Yes it was strange not having her there at my wedding, but again I just incorporated her favorite hymns, her favorite readings, and I even put a poem in my wedding program for her. Her picture sat at the altar in front of us with a candle so she could "be there" too.
    I hope to start having children soon, and I have to say making the decision to have children has been difficult because I am scared, and I need my mother to tell me I can do this. Only your mother knows what your strengths are, and I know if she said I could be a good mother, I wouldn't be so scared to get pregnant.
    So you see, you have good days and bad days. But the good days will start to outnumber the bad days. You'll see. In the meantime...keep coming back here. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Thank you Julie for your very kind words. I had anonymously posted my last comment. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who understand and have faced or may face some of the challenges that I am scared to face. It is true that talking to others helps and reading your words helped me to see that. I'm not alone and I must remember time is a healer. In the meantime coming here will give me strength. Thank you

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  6. Today is the day my mother passes away nine years ago when i was only nine. My mother was 52 years old. it upsets me that i don't remember much. i feel like i should remember more of her. After her death my grandfather her father passed away. Then three years later my brother passed away at the age of 27. This past december my grandmother passed away. Then this past april my other grandmother, my mom's mom passed away. i never got a chance to say goodbye to her because my other older brother who is thiry something and my two uncles couldn't call me and let me know. my brother's girlfriend came to my house i think around the 14th of april telling me that she passed on the 9th. i asked when the funeral was and they said it was today it already happened. isn't that nice of them to let me know? i still blows my mind. i'm only 18 years old and experience more loss then some adults i know have. i live with my aunt and cousins because my father was having trouble dealing with the loss of my mom and couldn't take care of me properly. then i met my boyfriend my freshman year of high school. we've been dating for four years. i am so in love with him. we were in love. recently earlier this august i found out that he has been cheating on me since late may early june. i found pictures of him kissing another girl on the myspace he had that i didn't know about. that he hid from me. so he's been having his cake and eating it too. but the sad thing is i still want him back. i know he misses me but i dont know what exactly is going on in his head. i love his family and everything about him. but what makes it rough is that my aunt is against me talking to him now after he cheated on me. but i can't stop talking to him after four years. i tell him everything and i leaned on him when things went wrong. my aunt says he knows what i've been through so far in my life and he cheated on me so he really doesn't care about me and my feelings. he says he doesnt want to be with me now cause he can't deal with the guilt of cheating on me. but he will stay in a relationship with the other girl? he has been cheating on her too. cheating on her with me. i try to hang out with my friends to get over him and deal with everything but it's too hard. my appetite has changed, i don't eat much anymore, when i see those pics of him and her i feel so sick. but he looks so happy with her. i don't understand. everyone says get over him, but it's not that easy. i don't want to date anyone else. all i need is him. i hope everything gets easier..

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  7. My heart is breaking! I lost my mother in June and I and I believe it is just now starting to HIT me and sink in that she is gone. I still need her so much. I am an only child and a daughter, so all the "After" dealings rest on my shoulders and I am feeling very alone. My mom was 65 when she passed. She lived a year and 6 days after she was found to have advanced lung cancer. I am grateful for the extra time together, but I must be honest that being the sole-caregiver to my dying mother is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I find myself, just now giving myself permission to cry (which I do often.) The stress is almost unbearable. I miss my mom and I want her back here with me. I know it is selfish of me because she is in a better place, but I miss her. Any suggestion are appriecated. Thank you and God Bless!

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  8. Lisa...I am sorry to hear about your Mom. These first few months are very difficult, I know. There is no easy way around the pain. You've just lost the most important person in your life, so let yourself cry and miss her.
    Read books, talk to friends, find a local grief support group to carry you through this tough time. Being an only child, you will need some extra support.
    Your mother is physically gone, but she is always in your heart and in that sense, she is never truly gone.
    Take care and I wish you the best..
    Julie

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  9. To 'anonymous' who posted on 8/22..
    Honey things will only get better when you make good choices for yourself. You may love your boyfriend, but he can't give you what you need. You have already faced some incredible challenges at a young age, all of them unsolicited. But the situation with your boyfriend you have the ability to control. You can walk away and in doing so you will stop allowing him to hurt you. It doesn't matter what he says, it only matters what he does...and what he has done is cheat on you and walk away from someone who has already been through a lot.
    God bless you and I wish you all the best..
    Julie

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  10. I lost my mom 7 years ago this Sept. I've stuffed it down for so long that it all came out this year. I never cried when she got diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, I never cried at the funeral and now the tears are coming out & I can't control them. I've become this strong, fiercly independent women who is always afraid of I don't know what.I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop, I do NOT like getting close to people for fear of abondement and then I have these walls up that I will not let anyone tear down. I do not now how to lean on people or ask for help, or to ask for what I need. I feel like I will burden people with it. Reading your comments give me some comfort knowing I'm not alone with all this. Thank you for sharing. God Bless.

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  11. Anonymous,

    I am sorry about the loss of your mother! It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or seven years ago - crying is a painful, lonely and wonderful way of letting out some of the pain. I have always been seen as a tough and independent woman and when the time came and has come that I really need help, I too am finding it hard to reach out. I was lucky to have a couple of friends with me at the time of my mothers death. Those people have turned out to be my strongest support. However, they were the ones I least expected. It has been very difficult to reach out, I am very wounded right now and a "no" would be very hard to take. My heart goes out to you, because I understand that outward appearence of "In control," and that inward feeling of "crumbling." I finally broke down and called a Hospice counselor. We have just started, but she was very able to withstand my deep felt pain and sobs. Please call a professional of some kind and then practice forming those relationships. I wish you the best and I hope this is helpful. If I knew the magic words I would sure use them on myself. But I do find this blog helpful and I hope you do too. You are NOT alone! Bless you and you are NOT a burden.

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  12. to Lisa,
    my mom died 4 days after christmas 2007. she was 67. as it is approaching the first anniversary of her death, i am devastated at the thought of facing the holidays. i am looking for someone my age to chat with. i just turned 40 and have 3 kids.
    stacy

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  13. I am an only child and my dear, sweet mom was murdered a month ago. I don't even know where to begin on coping with this horrible loss. It would be easier knowing that there are others out there...like me. I am 25 years old and deeply saddened by the sudden, tragic death.

    In all honesty I have no words...yet...to even begin to explain the loss I am feeling.

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  14. To Stacy,

    I am sorry, I have not been on for a while. I would love to chat with you. I am also worried about facing the holidays, but am trying to work closely with Hospice. Post again with your email or something and we can get started chatting.
    Take care!
    Lisa

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  15. Wow, can't believe how hard this time of year is...it feels like I keep getting kicked while I'm down. This has been an awful year and I can't hardly wait to start a new one!

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  16. Since they sent my mom home with hospice I have often said that I would never wish the loss of a mother on anyone. I am sorry all of you have had to go through this terrible experience. I read through all of these comments, and it feels much better to know my feelings are normal.
    I lost my mom a little more than 2 months ago to a rare form of cancer. She had just turned 53 and was by far my best friend. I have been blessed to be supported by amazing friends and family...and I feel guilty that I still feel empty without her. I have a long-distance (he lives in Europe) boyfriend and a high paced job and sometimes I feel helpless in dealing with even small things.
    I wanted to ask you, since you have all been through this, is it normal to feel no excitement? Is it normal to question your romantic relationships (my boyfriend) or to lack excitement about them?
    I would appreciate any advice you could give.

    God Bless,
    Steph

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  17. Steph,

    Yes it is completely normal to question many things in life after losing a parent. Many times we make choices in our lives to please our parents, and once they are gone, we reevaluate all of our choices in life. Relationships, career choices, etc. Also, experiencing the death of someone so close to you brings you up close and personal to your own mortality, and with that comes the realization that life is short. Again, this makes you reevaluate all of your choices. Experiencing a parent's death brings on your own metamorphosis in many ways. Things in your life change meaning once your mother is no longer there to share them with you. I myself began to question having a family or getting married. It just didnt mean as much without her there. I did a lot of research on the internet about the death of a parent and it's effects on people's lives and I learned a lot...much of which I had figured out on my own over the years, but was still surprised to find how common the experience is.

    As far as your lack of excitement, I would say that you are quite possibly depressed. You've just been through a trauma of sorts and I am sure you are still in shock as well. Please take care of yourself..it will be tough for a while but you will make it through.

    God bless,
    Julie

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  18. I am 14 years old and I lost my mother when I was just under two years old. Because I was so young then, I wasn't able to properly mourn. Consequentially, I am going through the mourning process now, 13 years to late. It is hard. It is pain that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. My dad remarried a few years ago and I have a great life now. Amazing friends and family, I go to a nice school, and my dads wife is really supportive of me dealing with my moms death. Because I have a life that many would die for, I feel guilty being sad and wanting more. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I have tried therapy, but I just can't let someone who doesn't even know me into the most private part of my life. What hurts me the most is that I don't miss my mom. I can't miss her because I don't remember her, I barely even knew her. I miss what could have been. That is what I am in mourning of. I will never be able to stop questioning what my life would have been like if she was still with me today. My situation is so different from most people who are dealing with the death of a parent. From what I've read on this amazing website it seems like almost everyone has good memories to look back on. Don't ever take those for granted. Not everyone is lucky enough to treasure memories of their mother, or to have been able to tell their mother that they love her, and remember hearing her repeat those same words back.

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  19. I wanted to take a moment to post because I completely relate to what so many of you are saying. I lost my Mom when I was 8 - she was 43. My Dad remarried a wonderful lady who was my 2nd Mom (I was so blessed) and she died when I was 25. I deal with control issues as well as loss issues on a daily basis. I'm very self aware so I'm constantly trying to work past my natural reactions. I haven't dated much and I keep myself heavy to avoid an intimate relationships with men. I want to live free because all I've been doing is living in fear my whole life (I'm 44). I wish all of you success in dealing with your losses. Please take care of YOU!

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  20. I am the anonymous who posted on December 8. My mom died 12 years ago today. This is the first year I have been aware of this day. It's been a really hard day for me, I just can't stop thinking about the mom I never knew. Anonymous who posted on December 29th, I know that I am much younger then you, but I feel like I can relate to you so much. I too have control issues and just want to live free.

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  21. my mom is dying and I planned her funeral yesterday because my sister was not strong enough. I am up at 2 a.m. crying. She is 57 and I am 32, I thought as her illness progressed it would make it easier, but I think watching her be in so much pain and so afraid to die is worse. My sister is in denial and I just want someone to greive with. But I am just so sad feeling. I want to go to the beach and just sit there day and night and watch the sun rise and set so that I know life will still go on. I know that is a strange sensation,but that is what i feel.

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  22. This might be a little off the regular thread but here it does.
    My girlfriend lost her mother a few months ago. I was there during the cancer, and I was there with her until her mom's final minutes. I knew her mother well, and she said she loved me, and I took the loss pretty hard as well. After it happened we spent some time at her moms house with the family, but then Then things seemed too fine. I never felt like she properly dealt with the situation. She would get mad when i brought it up. Then two months later, her grand mother died, whom she was also really close to as well. Recently, after these 6 months, shes come to the realization that her mother did die, and her grandma did as well. She decided to end things with me stating that she is having an identity crisis and cant be in a realtionship. It was sudden and unexpected, just recently she told me she loved me the most out of anyone in her life. I'm also her first boyfriend, her first love, and I think the fact that she grew up without a dad (thus making her connection with her mom even stronger) might impact all this. I dont know what to do, I wanna be there for her, I want to help her, I love her more than anything. Should I just give her space and time to figure things out? I recently purchased a copy of Motherless Daughters and I plan to give it to her when I feel its appropriate. But I'm heart broken, and I dont know what to do. Please advise. Thank you so much!

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  23. Dear Anonymous from March 11,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. You sound like a very loving and kind man.
    As much as you dont want to hear it, you need to give her the space she asked for. Believe me, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the death of her mother. She is having an identity crisis of sorts and she needs time to sort all of that out.
    Send her the book in the mail with a nice note and leave it at that. As much as you would like to help her through this, you can't. This is one of those situations where comfort can only come from someone who has lost a parent.
    I am sure she loves you and this hurts her as much as it hurts you.
    Good luck to you...
    Julie

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  24. i thought that teen dont have a problemlike this one but my mom past on 4-12-2006

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