Wednesday, May 25, 2011

i wrote something really eloquent in response to Holly's comment and it disappeared...oh well, maybe thoughts/words are like that. They get blown away with the wind.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

This might be the first time that I am writing something for this blog. I finished reading Eat Pray Love for the 2nd time. I just saw the movie and I KNEW that they changed things (they always do) but they changed such important parts and characters I just had to sink my teeth into the book once again. Plus, I was reading that book summer of 2007, and that was the summer of my breakup with "my" David. So I don't know how much I really retained about the details of the book except to say that I kept crying when reading Gilbert's passages about the heartache she endured with the breakup with her David.
I don't know why the break up of boys always brings up the loss of my mom, but it does. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist here..... but you would think that I'd be able to separate the two. And I find myself a little jealous of Gilbert who jet sets off to Bali and then falls in love with a Brazilian. I'm still waiting for the guy to show up and at the same time I've stopped waiting. The heart has been broken too many times for another man to waltz into my life and sweep me off my feet--only to drop me after he lifted me up.
Seems easier to just devote my life to God. And believe me I have. I have been living such an austere life that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Easy to do though. I can disappear in a yoga class so easily and disappear from my life that most of my friends don't even seem to notice that I've been off the radar. How could they? They're busy tending to babies and husbands and PTA meetings etc etc.
I can't help but wonder what life will be like for these women when their mothers pass on. Will they begin to know the loneliness that I have felt for almost 23 years? Will they crave their mother's touch as much as I do? Will they miss her voice? Will they yearn for her advice? Will they cry for "no reason at all"? Or will they simply be too busy with children, grandchildren and the like? And will I be able to listen to them? Can I give empathy to women that have their mothers around for graduations, weddings, birthdays, babies, Christmases? Thanksgivings? etc. Seems selfish to say no and yet I'm afraid my smaller self won't want to hear it.
That's about as honest as I can get at 2am