I had a bit of a revelation today that I wanted to share. I have shared at the meetings that one of the enormous issues I am currently dealing is my mother's age when she passed. She was 31 and I am 30. Her age slowly became a fixation for me. And I have realized that it was there, under the surface, before I ever consciously realized it. I am trying to work on the fear that surrounds this and all the ways which it affects me.
So, here is the revelation. Instead of living in fear of dying at this age like my mom did, I am going to choose to change my perspective. I going to work toward appreciating each day that I am here, instead of fearing when my time here will come to an end. I want to learn from what happened to her that you never know when you will leave this world, but instead of worrying about it, accept it. And do all the things that I desire to accomplish now, instead of putting it off with the assumption that there is plenty of time. In doing so, I will shift from fearing death to appreciating life and therefore will enjoy my life more. Then whenever my time comes, I will be able to smile and say that I made the best of my time here.
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I think this is the way to go. We have all discussed the fears and anxieties that come with approaching the age that our mothers died. You are right on the money. Really, none of us knows when our time will be up, so it's always a good idea to live each day to the fullest. I had my own anxieties about having children because I felt like I "only" had x amount of time since my mother died in her early 60's. But I choose to look at it from this same perspective - that I can use that time with my children to give them all those wonderful memories and teach them all the things I want them to know so that when I am gone, they will be better for it. I want to give them great memories and the tools to take care of themselves emotionally, because it is those things my own mother gave me that have helped sustain me since her death. So much has been taken away in her death, but she left behind so much and I am forever grateful. I want to give my children the same.
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