i wrote something really eloquent in response to Holly's comment and it disappeared...oh well, maybe thoughts/words are like that. They get blown away with the wind.

This might be the first time that I am writing something for this blog. I finished reading Eat Pray Love for the 2nd time. I just saw the movie and I KNEW that they changed things (they always do) but they changed such important parts and characters I just had to sink my teeth into the book once again. Plus, I was reading that book summer of 2007, and that was the summer of my breakup with "my" David. So I don't know how much I really retained about the details of the book except to say that I kept crying when reading Gilbert's passages about the heartache she endured with the breakup with her David.
I don't know why the break up of boys always brings up the loss of my mom, but it does. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist here..... but you would think that I'd be able to separate the two. And I find myself a little jealous of Gilbert who jet sets off to Bali and then falls in love with a Brazilian. I'm still waiting for the guy to show up and at the same time I've stopped waiting. The heart has been broken too many times for another man to waltz into my life and sweep me off my feet--only to drop me after he lifted me up.
Seems easier to just devote my life to God. And believe me I have. I have been living such an austere life that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. Easy to do though. I can disappear in a yoga class so easily and disappear from my life that most of my friends don't even seem to notice that I've been off the radar. How could they? They're busy tending to babies and husbands and PTA meetings etc etc.
I can't help but wonder what life will be like for these women when their mothers pass on. Will they begin to know the loneliness that I have felt for almost 23 years? Will they crave their mother's touch as much as I do? Will they miss her voice? Will they yearn for her advice? Will they cry for "no reason at all"? Or will they simply be too busy with children, grandchildren and the like? And will I be able to listen to them? Can I give empathy to women that have their mothers around for graduations, weddings, birthdays, babies, Christmases? Thanksgivings? etc. Seems selfish to say no and yet I'm afraid my smaller self won't want to hear it.
That's about as honest as I can get at 2am

My Mom's Birthday

Hey Ladies!

It's been awhile. Today I'm celebrating my mom's birthday. She would have been 58 today, & would still be young. She has been gone for 27 years. I type that because I can do the math, but to actually believe that is possible is a whole other thing. I really don't believe it, it just doesn't seem possible. I've been going through some hard times lately, and I wish she was here with me. I always wish she was here with me.

I got married last summer, and I really missed her then too. Her younger sister came from Louisiana for the wedding. She is a writer and I asked her if she would read something at the wedding. She didn't want to at first, because she gets nervous speaking. But she called me a week later & said that my mom inspired her to do it. And at our wedding, she read the words that she said came through her from my mom. It was beautiful (and I bawled!).

Anyway, today I am thinking about my mom & all the birthdays & celebrations & regular days we haven't got to spend together. I feel cheated. But I'm trying to celebrate her life & not think about her death.

Happy Birthday to You, Jane Ellen! You are missed every day.

More PAin

My son's dead was killed in a car accident last Tuesday. I am devestated for my son. I can barely watch him carry this loss, I know how difficult it can be to lose a parent. I truely believe that losing the same sex parent is the hardest. Please pray for my son.

Hurting

Wow, no one has been here in awhile, including myself. I have had a trying week to say the least. I am having some difficulties with my teenage son. I could really use my mom this week, I have done a lot of crying, mostly in solitude, a little to friends. My son is such a beautiful person, he is big hearted and so funny, growing up is hard to do and he has been hurting lately and it breaks my heart to see him in pain. I feel at times I have not been the best mother, in part because of the lack of a mother in my life. At one point his week I felt defeated, I lacked parental confidence. I did not know how I would push forward, A friend said, "You can do it, yes you can". To realize someone had confidence in me was all I needed to have the confidence in myself. I have went through a series of emotions this week, I was upset and sad, I started questioning my own self, doubting my abilities and then finally the anger came which gave me a boost to deal with the situation instead of cowering in the corner. I told my son yesterday that I loved him and there was nothing he could do that could make me love him less. For the first time I truly felt like a mother.

Two Dimensional

Do you ever have moments where you are so stressed or worried about something, that you lose perspective and focus? You forget how strong you are and how strong you have been, and where you came from?
For me, this happens sometimes. I get so focused on the "now" that I forget who I am and how capable I am of being or doing anything I want to. Before my mother died, I would always call her in those moments, and she would remind me how special I am, how loved I am, and put it all neatly into perspective for me so I could carry on.
I have said so many times that losing my mother was like losing a piece of myself. There is a hole inside me that is always there and can never be filled, no matter how many truly wonderful people I come in contact with. No one will ever love me or know me the way she did. I have learned to live with the emptiness as the years have passed, but in the process I have become so lonely and so isolated on a certain level. I don't always notice, but living with that missing piece sometimes makes me feel two-dimensional. I give into my insecurities and that is all I can see.
I had an opportunity recently to look through old family photos and I was reminded that I was once part of a whole family, I was once a loved and cherished daughter. I used to feel strong as long as my mother was around because I always knew I had a soft place to land even if I failed. Now if I fail, I have no one to remind me that failure does not define me. I try to carry myself through the insecurities and the failures but sometimes I cannot bolster myself with confidence. And I know now it's because I let a part of myself go when my mother died just to try and survive. As I looked at the photos, I felt whole again. I remembered who I was and I saw myself through my mother's eyes...a much loved daughter who is special even when she doesn't realize it.
My mother is gone but her love is always here when I need it, and I just need to remember that.

Trying to change my perspective

I had a bit of a revelation today that I wanted to share. I have shared at the meetings that one of the enormous issues I am currently dealing is my mother's age when she passed. She was 31 and I am 30. Her age slowly became a fixation for me. And I have realized that it was there, under the surface, before I ever consciously realized it. I am trying to work on the fear that surrounds this and all the ways which it affects me.

So, here is the revelation. Instead of living in fear of dying at this age like my mom did, I am going to choose to change my perspective. I going to work toward appreciating each day that I am here, instead of fearing when my time here will come to an end. I want to learn from what happened to her that you never know when you will leave this world, but instead of worrying about it, accept it. And do all the things that I desire to accomplish now, instead of putting it off with the assumption that there is plenty of time. In doing so, I will shift from fearing death to appreciating life and therefore will enjoy my life more. Then whenever my time comes, I will be able to smile and say that I made the best of my time here.